Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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