i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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