I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You can't motorboat a personality
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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