I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
