true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We have started to decorate penises.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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