I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
