mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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