and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
