GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
