I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
