I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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