I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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