I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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