How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
