we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
