If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
