my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
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FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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