how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
