things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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