I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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