$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
