Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
