I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just invented taco cereal.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
