you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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