I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
