so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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