i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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