I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
