What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
someone threw a dead crab at me
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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