I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
