You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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