If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
