should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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