Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
