Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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