come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
