Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
