evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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