i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
