we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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