His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
