Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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