I wannas sexs uuuuu
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
