the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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