Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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