I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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