I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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