I love how my cats smell like pot.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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