im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
