Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
