First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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