So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
