Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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