Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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