After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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