I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
