anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
