last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
