The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.