i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS