he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
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I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants