Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
there's paper in my vomit.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.