I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
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Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
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I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️