my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?